Pajamas Media – Making Conservatives Less Angry

Pajamas Media – Making Conservatives Less Angry

Conservatives are very angry these days. I haven't seen conservatives this angry since the last time a Democrat was president. So the anger is probably because the president is black. While that might not seem so bad, conservative anger could lead to something disastrous: their mobilizing to vote against Democrats.

If that occurs, what happens to the Democrats' dream of spending lots of money on seemingly random things? One day the American people will become enlightened enough to surrender democracy to their betters, who would give them such rewards as free (FREE!) health care, but until then conservative anger has to be dealt with. If not, crazy people like Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck will force absolutely anyone who happens to be an avowed Communist out of public office.
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How to make conservatives less angry

Actively ignore them: The most basic strategy to try and keep conservatives from being so angry is to never, ever listen to them. If they try to discuss an issue with you, just cover your ears and scream, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" If they realize there is no chance we'll even listen to them, maybe they'll decide to just give up trying to have their uneducated viewpoints.
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Call them racists: If we shout "Racist!" every time they say something, maybe they'll finally reflect on the racism that motivates them against a black president and give up whatever silly cause they think they're pushing.
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Point out how much smarter Obama is than they are: Obama is obviously very smart (obviously!), but somehow conservatives are overlooking that simple fact. Maybe they'll be less angry if we keep emphasizing how Obama and his staff are much, much smarter than they are, and in fact they are very stupid compared to Obama and other liberals.
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Use sexual slurs: Conservatives are made uncomfortable by sex talk because of their Jesus person, so associating sexual slurs with everything they do might make them uncomfortable and cause them to give up their protests. For example, when conservatives started having "tea parties," we started using the slur "tea baggers" to describe them. Any good liberal should know tons of terms describing lewd sexual acts, so be creative!

Make sure no one in the media addresses their concerns: If conservatives can't get any confirmation of their silly, angry views in the media, maybe they'll give them up.
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Disparage their values: Everyone wants to have popular values, so if we ridicule their values maybe they'll discard them and instead have the more popular values of the smart people on TV. So always laugh at them if they bring up the invisible sky fairy they worship so they know that's a dumb belief. Also laugh at any patriotic beliefs they have.
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Threaten them with violence: Finally, we can always use physical threats to get them to not be angry. I don't mean we should shoot them like when those anti-choice people were shot recently (though that is understandable since conservatives are so dangerous and violent that they have to be stopped by any means necessary), but we could at least rough them up. Yes, most liberals are kinda, well, too puny to do that, but there are always union thugs who are smart enough to do whatever liberals tell them.